Tales from Behind the Fence #3: The Uniform of the Unaffiliated
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Now a few words from L. Roy Crow…
Howdy.
Ya know, I was thinking about clothes the other day. Why do we wear ’em?
Mostly on account of the police.
It’s a legal requirement to keep your torso covered in public, which is a real blow to my “body positivity” movement—mostly because the public hasn’t been positive about my body since 1994.
But if you’ve gotta wear clothes, you might as well wear something that warns people what they’re getting into.
That’s why G.T. and I finally opened the Prison Break Brewery Merch Store.
We’ve got hoodies.
I love hoodies. They’re like a portable witness protection program. You put the hood up and suddenly you’re anonymous. You could be a nuclear physicist… or a guy who just ate a burrito in a carwash. No one knows.
Our Prison Break hoodies are specially designed to hide the fact that you’ve had three helpings of potato salad and a half pound of molasses-soaked cornbread.
We call it:
“The Fabric of Plausible Deniability.”
And the T-shirts?
They’re made of cotton. Or something that used to be cotton before it met our industrial-strength screen printer.
We’ve got Prison Break Brewery plastered across the front in letters big enough for a nearsighted state trooper to read from fifty paces.
A true conversation starter.
Usually, the conversation starts with:
“Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
…but hey, at least they’re talking to you.
We even have coffee mugs.
I don’t understand coffee.
Who was the first person who thought it’d be a good idea to soak beans in water and drink the juice? It’s bean soup that makes you nervous.
I asked G.T. why we needed mugs and he said:
“Because you can’t hold hot liquid in your cupped hands very long without losing your dignity.”
He can be philosophical at times.
Truth is, our mugs are sturdy. You can drink coffee out of ’em… or store the loose screws you found in the lawnmower.
Uncle Elrod does both. Sometimes at the same time.
Either way — you’re winning.
People ask, “Is this lifestyle apparel?”
No.
It’s survivor apparel.
If you wear a Prison Break shirt, you’re telling the world you have standards — they’re just remarkably low and easy to maintain.
So head over to the store.
Buy a hat.
Buy a hoodie.
Support our “Make Beer Not War” fund.
Besides, every shirt sold gets us one step closer to buying a mash tun that doesn’t require a tetanus shot to operate.
Anyway, I gotta go.
Ma Crow is chasing Garland the Basset Hound around the yard with a soup ladle. Apparently he chewed up her new patent leather Sunday go-to-meetin’ shoes.
Ate ’em right down to the heel.
What really made her mad… she was wearing ’em at the time.
I told her not to polish those things with goose grease.
Go buy some gear.
Don’t make me come find you.
Shop the gear: https://fedjointstobeerjoints.com