Tales from Behind the Fence #2: The Shanked Beer Marketing Plan
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More Words with L. Roy: The Shanked Beer Marketing Plan
Every now and then, L. Roy Crow checks in from the “beer-making plant” to let folks know what’s really going on behind the scenes.
This is one of those times.
And now a few words from L. Roy Crow…
Hey folks,
Just wanted to catch you up on some goings-on down here at the beer-making plant. Busy place these days.
People have been tellin’ us we need to get the word out on Shanked Beer — you know, do some marketing and such.
Well, as luck would have it, the good Reverend Nathaniel Winesipper down at Norton’s Corners First Methodist Church and Leather Craft Emporium told me, right after a “Jesus loves you, put money in the plate” session, that his nephew Darnell is a marketer.
In fact, he said Darnell was the biggest marketer in the area.
Said he even knew about something called “social media.”
I didn’t have no idea what social media was.
After the Reverend walked away, I leaned over and whispered to Uncle Herb Crow,
“What’s social media?”
“A rash,” he said.
Herb is a man of few words… but he’s what they call insightful.
Well anyway, GT, Uncle Herb, and me met with Darnell.
And let me tell ya — the Reverend wasn’t lying when he said Darnell was the biggest marketer around.
That boy weighed about 20 pounds less than a new Buick and was as wide as a John Deere four-bottom plow.
But he was ready to talk.
So we all sat down while he stood up in front of us and said he’d studied our product in detail and had developed a marketing plan that could not fail.
GT nodded.
I nodded.
Uncle Herb spit chaw juice into a pop bottle.
“This plan is revolutionary!” Darnell said.
GT nodded.
I nodded.
Herb spit in the bottle again.
Then Darnell pulled out one of them new phones and said,
“Watch this TikTok Shanked Beer marketing video.”
I was about to ask what TikTok was when suddenly there he was…
Darnell himself — wearing nothing but skin-tight swim trunks — holding a can of Shanked in front of a fresh tattoo of a Siamese cat on his belly… dancing around to “Fly Me to the Moon” by Frank Sinatra.
I stared.
GT stared.
Uncle Herb swallowed his tobacco juice.
Darnell was gyratin’ and hopping around with a big ol’ smile on his face like he had sense.
I leaned over and said,
“If you look at his left butt cheek, I do believe he’s got a tattoo of the state flag.”
“Nope,” Uncle Herb said. “It’s a mole.”
“Damn big mole.”
“Not as big as the dimple it sits in.”
The TikTok finally stopped and I thought we were free.
But no.
Darnell whipped out a jar, unscrewed the lid, shoved it in our faces and said:
“Sniff!”
“I believe I’ll pass,” I said.
But he wasn’t taking no for an answer — and as big as he was, we weren’t getting past him to the door.
So… sniff we did.
Smelled like last week’s work socks.
“Do you know what this is?” he asked.
“Smells like some K-Y that sat in the sun too long,” I said.
“Beer jelly!” he said. “Don’t you see? Now folks can have beer for breakfast the old-fashioned way! Instead of PB&J — they can have PBB&J. Peanut butter and beer jelly!”
That’s about when we slipped out the door while he was digging around looking for biscuits to try it on.
Later that evening, we were sitting at Booger and Moot’s House of Ale, sipping a cold Shanked at the bar.
I said,
“Man… this marketing stuff is hard.”
“Nope,” Uncle Herb said. “Tain’t hard.”
Then he took a sip and smiled.
“This is easy.”
I took a sip… and I knew he was right.
Tasting is believing.
So go ahead — take a taste.
We’ve got a feeling you’ll agree.
From Fed joints to beer joints — built on second chances and damn good beer.
Part of the Tales from Behind the Fence series